i'm sorry lord...

had my officer's dg today... once a month thingy... good thing i came.. and i felt really really bad. for my attitude towards you...

thermo is a module in which i really put in a lot of hard work. and i got so emo and frustrated when i read the textbook thrice and i still can't remember everything. =/ and when i got to my kitchen and saw no food, i got angry... with god...

as i went to bed straight with my 2 breads feeling emo and angry, i turned to him and asked...

"what is it that you want me to do?!"

"i've been preparing my fields, but where's your rain?!"

he din give me an answer..

with an urge to burst, i prayed hard in my bed.

so when i was sharing my secular life in school in dg today, i seem to have a lot to share.. what my job is in engin club, my studies and all in all, it seems like i have been fruitful... though not in my core modules which i chuiied in. i'm proud to be where i am in school now, in my work in church in camp com, in BB...

however... when it was the round of sharing our walk with god. my mind went blank. and suddenly i felt damn damn bad. cause all i can remember is that i got angry with god... and as i share... i began to tear a bit but i managed to keep myself under control. in front of my dg leader daniel and officer, boon chun, i felt helpless.

i always remembered how i always prayed after exam, after crystallography and thermo which i totally crashed...

"god i will always praise you. no matter what..."

yup... straight after the exams.. all i did was to close my eyes, hold my fist together and pray...

i really did my best... and i'm powerless without you...

back to the sharing... yup.. i got very apologetic... and that became my confession for the day. and i gained a very valueable lesson for the day... i finally know how i looked at my god...

why do we christians have the ability to be angry? when the worshippers of other religions will only rever their gods. a simple analogy was put across. why dun buddhists and taoists turn angry with their gods?? the reason is simple. cos their god is a source for winning 4Ds, getting good results! its a man-serving god! maybe its the same for other religion? i'm not sure but one thing is for sure... they all fear their gods. (khai if you're reading this, i'm sorry for my ignorance)

what do we see god as christians? what is he to me... i start to ask myself this qns. i know that answer from the start. i see him as my father... other than my biological father. and like daniel had said and which i agreed.. i was acting like a child throwing my temper at him when i became angry with him. seriously i had been angry before... but thermo really made me lose it. and i aimed my temper at him..

why is it that we christians dare to question him? and even be angry with him?... i know why... cos we all know that god is good. simple enough? we all know that he is not a man-serving god. though we all like to picture him that way as it serves our purpose. we all pray.. for our purpose, our wants, and of cos for others, for his kingdom to be glorified. i'm guilty of this. through my walk, i have been turning him into a man-serving god.. unknowingly... there is this 2 sided nature in all who has come to know the truth, which others do know have. we have a choice now. we can choose to follow our instincts/human nature or choose to remember what jesus did and choose to do what he would have choosen. for others? they can only follow their values and human nature as there do not know the truth.

now it really comes to the point of remembering what jesus did for us to split the veil.. his death which provided a bridge, a link for us to our father. this is what we all believe in. he died to save us. so we have a choice now... he had come to save us a few thousand years back... when daniel remind me... the nails that nailed him to the cross, the movie passion of christ which really made me cry out saying forgive me lord for my past ignorance, i realise i cannot be angry with god anymore. or rather... i cannot bear to be angry with him anymore. how can you be angry with someone who died to save you? its just wrong. my eyes are opened once again. and i felt my walk with god aligned back in track. i was lost and my heart hardened, just as daniel has confessed... my heart was hardened.. and i thank him for sending daniel... to break my heart again.. so as he can mould me for his cause. its a good wake up call.

The sermon today was "The God of Comfort". From Isaiah 40:1-11... Wat a nice coincidence... he is where i find comfort in... my source of security when i'm afraid so that i can comfort others. This book is a hard book to digest... First half all bout the wrath of god and then to the promise and grace of god... maybe i should read that someday. sharks... i haven been doing qt. yup! i'm guilty as charged!

and thus i've gotten myself a daily bread... i promised it shall not be a daily task, but a way of communicating with him while learning the many valueable lesson which he gives.

i drew this during sermon with my gtech... =DD and that was supposed to be dennis in front of the altar in luther hall. i had no space for the band. maybe next time... den can piece together. i did listen to sermon k... and yes... the altar is where we have our communion also.. this is not the sanctuary though. its much much nicer. expecially in christmas service..

after service was a 2-3 hrs camp com meeting. lotsa things to do.. and i'll be burning my next week in clubroom. crap. luckily there's kenneth and guoquan man. or else i'm dead.

i'm glad now.. that i'm renewed... thanks to daniel. thanks to you my lord..

let me glorify your kingdom... and pull me back... if i ever stray again...